FAMILIAR GAZE

That familiar gaze

Under the summer haze

Sending me into a daze…

What more can I say?

 

That familiar gaze

With that stupid face

And that silly grin

All my life, where have you been?

 

That familiar gaze

I’ve seen it before

Day by day

But now we’re offshore

 

That familiar gaze

But you looked away

As the sun fades

And the season changed

 

That familiar gaze

Slipping thin from memory

Your stupid face decayed

No longer a reverie

 

That unfamiliar gaze

Turned bitter like that peach we tasted

And my peach-stained hands still tainted

With the image of us left in the patches of that pinkish tint

 

Published in Matcha Spill Magazine for their Mini Issue: SALTWATER SOLSTICE

Stupid fun fact: this poem was inspired by a fanfiction I wrote in High School. (The fanfiction was about Will Graham if you’re curious. No. I won’t be showing it.) It has the same title and same “vibe”, the difference is that said “vibe” in the ending of this poem is depressing and non-existent in the fanfiction. You can imagine the first two stanzas as the premise of fanfiction, and the rest of the stanza is where I develop it into the finished product of the poem in 10 minutes before submitting to the magazine and going to bed. As usual, I worked on this last minute before submitting because I had no idea what to do with the theme. They actually provided prompts, which I incorporated at the end (peach-stained hands), but at that time, I didn’t have anything on my brain to work with.

My writer’s block self decided to scroll down my Google Docs until, out of nowhere, I remembered writing a fanfiction in High School that could potentially work as a poem. That’s how “familiar gaze” was born (the poem, not the fanfiction).

BELLADONNA LIPS

a tinge of dust that shined

swimming under your spell

beyond your bitter mind–

i dwell

 

a touch so tender it kills

as we lay by the night’s chill

feeling the spirited thrill–

i’m ill

 

your poisonous lips

spoiled honey drips

forbidden words slips

my hurt heart dips

 

picking the shards

from your rose

fine–

i’ll play the cards

so don’t doze

 

my eyes won’t catch your dust of poison again

i won’t drift under your control,

walk behind the message you send

 

remember when you kissed me?

i’ll spread crushed belladonna on my lips

next time you see me

 

Published in Vellichor Literary for the anthology Issue Demeter’s Garden

All right, this one has a long story behind it!

Small fun fact: this poem actually comes from an excerpt of ANOTHER drafted poem I wrote in my notebook the beginning of my University’s orientation. The excerpt is the third stanza. I remember writing the first and second stanza, feeling like something was missing out… Then I took a quick scroll through my notebook to find that perfect stanza that can align well. (Oh my God, how many times did I mention stanza just now?) Continuing it, though? I was left stuck again. I didn’t know where to continue. All I knew was the initial premise was how the lover of this persona is toxic… Then came up Belladonna as the imagery and visual. Yet, I didn’t know how to end it! I left it marinating in my Google Docs until, out of nowhere, my professor texted me that a Literary Magazine was opening for submission. (This is also how I got into the Lit Mag rabbit hole, btw, so shoutout to my professor.) After looking deep into it, I found out that four major Literary Magazines are collaborating to publish an anthology Issue, each magazine with its respective themes! It definitely caught my eye, and Vellichor’s theme struck me the most since their theme is literally Belladonna. I told my professor that I’m going to submit for Vellichor, and started continuing where I left off.

Right… How do I end this?

You might notice that the last two stanzas feel off… That’s because it’s longer and more packed than the previous four ones. I admit, I was in a rush and I wrote what immediately came to mind, didn’t put much thought into them. Then I submitted.

It was a long wait. A month pass by, and at this point, I already let go and stop having high hopes. Maybe I was right, the last two stanzas should be more polished and powerful, or maybe the voice or the tone wasn’t what they’re looking for. It came at one point where my student study program is holding Poetry Appreciation day, and I decided to just use this godforsaken poem to submit. But I changed up the last three stanza into two shorter ones… Which you can now look in DEVOTED DEVOTEE! 😉 So, yes, I recycled Belladonna Lips so it can work for this particular submission, since I didn’t want the poem to be the same. Kept the first three stanzas, then changed the last three ones and retitled it into Devoted Devotee. Sadly, you can’t look it up anymore since I told the admin to delete that specific poem from the slide of the Instagram post… We’ll get to that later.

Another few months pass by, lo’ and behold, waking up early on 13 of March, I received a notification from my email.

This was HUGE news since I just won a short story competition the day before. In my head, I kept repeating, “HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?” Because it truly felt magical. I never heard from them, then suddenly you receive this acceptance Email out of nowhere? But it’s not like I’m complaining. 🙂

After receiving this great news, I told that same professor that I got in, and asked for his opinion if I should take down the recycled poem in the student’s study program. He said it was better to do so, because I barely know anything about recycling poem (he’s not wrong) and that it’s more important to prioritize the officially published piece. I contacted the admin and asked her to delete the slide… And what’s left is now the poems of other students, and also some from mine. You can look it up here.

That’s that not-so-little introduction or so-called backstory of this poem, and I hope I didn’t raise your expectation too much because I still lowkey hate this poem LOL.