I guessed everyone have a dirty secret on their life. Trying to hide it, whatever it took. However, did you know that there’s nothing you can hide in this world forever? Just like aphorism said “sooner or later your secret will come up to the ground.” Well, I had some secrets that I wanted to hide. Trying to tell the truth was not as easy as you blink your eyes, but I believed every secret have it’s own time to reveal it’s dirt and I thought it’s time for my secret to be open.
AFTER A LONG TIME, I finally met him. He was The Guy that could make my heart beat faster and sometimes could hurt. I could hear his voice. He was calling my name. Even though, I couldn’t see if it was him who called my name. But, I was sure that it was him, there is no way I could forget his voice. My mother opened the door and asked him to come in. I was in my room. I froze and waited for him.
My heart was beating so fast. Suddenly, he was standing in front of my door. At that time, I was lying on bed. Thank God I already cleaned up my room this morning. The bad news was there were too much paper on the floor and the bed. He looked at me and smiled.
He asked “did you just wake up?” I couldn’t say anything.
I was sure that I was look like people who just woke up. He was still standing in front of my door. Honestly, it’s kind of funny to see how much my heart still have to beat this fast just because I saw him. He’s wearing grey t-shirt with blue jeans jacket and black jeans. There were some oil stains in his clothes. God, he’s still careless with his clothes.
“Well, I guess you’re still wearing the clothes that you wore on your practice study. Didn’t have time to change, huh?”
He smiled. “I think so. Sorry, I guess I disturbed your sleep time.” He still thought that I was sleeping before he arrived, he didn’t change; always kept asking if you didn’t answer him.
“I’m not sleeping just trying to get some rest for my brain. As you see, I have so much homework.” I was pointing at the papers that scattered on the floor.
“Always a diligent one.”
“How long you will stand there?”
“Is it okay if I come in?”
I nodded. I sat on the floor and told him to come in. He sat next to me and took something from his pocket. He gave me a flash disk. I turned on my laptop and tried to focus on it but, it took time to on. He was quiet and so did I. For some time, both of us didn’t say anything. Then, he moved. He tried to reach for something beside me. His hand was passing me by when he took it. I looked at him and saw what he was holding. He read my paper; he wrinkled his eyebrows and his lips. It was always interesting when he became like that, thinking hard made his face looks ridiculous but somehow it’s cute. Stupid! Stop think like a fool. I had to focus on the screen. I couldn’t make my heart beat any faster than this.
“Hmm, I can’t understand this. What is this?” He waved the paper at me.
“That is my homework. A short story that tells about my experience but, it isn’t finish yet. I’m stuck.”
He put the paper back. “You will finish that. Even, I don’t understand your homework, I’m sure that your short story will be good. You are good at it.”
I shrugged. I searched some movie that he wanted to. I opened some files and folders movie. Finally, I could focus on something besides focus on him. I connected the flash disk with my laptop and asked him to search by himself the movies that he wanted to. He started to search and because of that he became closer. I hoped he couldn’t hear how fast my heart beats. He copied the movies from my laptop to his flash disk.
I looked at him closely and my mind became ramble. Should I tell him the truth? The truth about what happened between us. I lied to him and to everyone. Yes, I guessed I should tell him the truth. I hoped he wouldn’t hate me after I told him the truth.
Moving 20 items (2.GB) from films Data (D:) to removable disk (F:) about thirty minutes remaining.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Can I tell you something? I have to tell you this before I change my mind.” He looked at me. He wrinkled his eyebrows again. He nodded.
I cleared my throat. Thinking what I have to say first. “Well, first I want to apologize to you.” I stopped, glanced at him.
Nothing happened. He didn’t say anything. I decided to continue without looking at him.
“I lied to you. Did you remember when I gave you a letter? The letter that told you about the reason why I want to break up. I said I want to break up because it’s a test, right? Well, that was a lie. That was my made up reason so that I didn’t feel too guilty to you. Actually, the reason was because I liked somebody else. Even, when we started to have a relationship I wasn’t sure if it was a right choice for us because of my feeling for him. I’ve been trying to stop my feeling but it didn’t work. I could forget him for a while and a day after I liked him again. I tried I really tried to love you without having someone else in my heart. But then, it always ended up with me comparing you guys. How my heart was beating faster when I was with him than when I was with you. At first, I didn’t really know the different but then I knew one thing, that I did like him. He made me happy for just by his side, even if I just his friend. My relationship with him made me realized that there was something between him and me that other people noticed before we did. It was too late for us because I was already with you and it put him in such complicated position. The worst came, our relationship became a joke for me. I knew that I have to make something up so that we could break up. But after that, I didn’t happy at all. All I could feel just misery and regret. Why did I have to let you go? Why didn’t I just trying harder to make you the one. You were the only guy that taught me about caring and loving somebody unconditionally without any labels or conditions. Although, sometime you were so childish and have such an ego, I still wanted us to have a good relationship. So that’s why I created a reason in order to make you didn’t hate me or him. You could say that it was my selfishness but, I was really scared that you would hate him and he would lose his only friend. I never told him about my feelings but I was pretty sure that he knew. Although, we often spent some times together, we never more than friend. Even if I wanted, I would never consider cheating behind your back. So that…”
Suddenly, he sighed “Is he a guy that I know?”
“Well, I guess even if I don’t tell you, I know you knew who he is, don’t you?” I glanced at him and saw his hands became pale because he was grasping it too hard. He didn’t answer my question. His eyes were on the screen.
He was quiet.
“Well, say something.”
He giggled. “What should I say? Maybe deep down, I already knew that you liked him at that time. The way you saw him, laughed at him, talked to him. I just pretended not to know, because I realized that you would leave anytime you wanted if I told you that I knew. I didn’t want it. No, I could’t face it that you liked him instead of me. Even, if you liked him I knew that I had to endure it so that I could be with you.”
He knew. All that time, he knew. I was too naive if I was thinking he wouldn’t know about it. Stupid! Just because I didn’t want to feel guilty I lied to him that clearly knew it.
“But, there were many guys in our school. Why it have to be him?” He asked me.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know why it had to be him. I just knew the fact that he was your best friend will more hurt you than anything else. I know that I’m outrageous, but can I ask one thing?”
I hesitate. “Are we good? Can you forgive me and still be my friend?”
He smiled. “Just because you liked somebody else at that time, it doesn’t mean that I would be mad at you forever?. It was not completely your fault. You could love somebody else because I can make you only see me. So, it was my fault too. Of course we always can be friend. Beside, it was ages ago, so..”
“Thank you.” We both smiled.
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“Well. Thanks for the movies. I hope you’re not mind if I ask for more movies next time.”
“Hey, did you hear me?” He touched my hand. “Well, I guess your hobby wasn’t change at all, huh? daydreaming again are you?.”
I shaked my head over and over. “Huh. Oh, I’m sorry. What did you say?”
He laughed. “I said thanks for the movies. I hope you’re not mind if I ask for more movies next time.”
“Oh, sure. You can ask me anytime.”
“Nice. Well, then see you next time.”
“See you.” I smiled. Well, maybe it was not the right time for telling the truth after all.